Reading

There is something to be said about the differences between reading a book in a very public place; such as a cafe, park, or library, and reading in private. In public, it is exhilarating to be immersed into two worlds at precisely one moment. For you are as much a part of the world around you; people might see you, mention you, or even admire you in passing. Your physical body is continuing to interact with its environment by breathing, scratching, and otherwise fidgeting. However, your mind is quite a different matter. At least, mine would be. I become completely immersed in the fictional settings that are typed before my eyes. In fact, my mother once gave me a gift of bookends which read, "Books fall open, you fall in," and these have become some of my favorite possessions over the years. To be so divided like that, body from mind, is somewhat transcendent of other spiritual encounters. During prayer or meditation, you are conscious of pursuing that detachment from reality, and must create mental barriers between the tangible and the intangible. I speak from personal experience, of course, and know very well that people do exist who find prayer and meditation to be the deepest way of connecting to the world. I prefer reading. I prefer to start something innocently, putting letter after letter and word after word together in my mind and have them take me along a journey far away from the place where I am. It happens both unconsciously and completely.

On the other hand, while reading in private will result in many of the same ends, it is a more conscious effort. Putting yourself alone is halfway to melting the world around you away, and the book must do hardly anything to complete the effort. It is less spiritual in that way, for knowing you are pursuing God and expecting him (I use the term loosely), and coincidentally finding God are two very different things indeed.

Pride & Prejudice

Today was crazy. First of all I am still ridiculously jetlagged from Hawaii and end up staying up until about 5 am each night we've been back. Secondly, Leighann and I went shopping for some of her books for an English class at Purdue, and it turns out all but one (The Story of My Life By Helen Keller) were out of stock in every Indiana Borders except the one in West Lafayette. Which makes sense of course, but also a bit ridiculous. So we ended up ordering the rest on half.com, and I picked up Eat Pray Love, Pride and Prejudice, and Brida by Paulo Coehlo from Borders. I also bought two VS bras, which I desperately needed, and a simple black knit dress from White House Black Market. It was on sale AND I used my mom's birthday $10 off coupon, so it's all good. It is a little bit short to wear in general casual situations, so I may lengthen it with some color or something if I can work successfully with knits ever.

On top of all my crazy design/sewing obsession this summer, the new season of Project Runway debuted tonight. I am SO frustrated by the girl they kicked off. I thought her dress was definitely amazingly adorable, and that Mr. I cinched a waist and put a kimono on her backwards certainly didn't deserve another chance.

Topic change: I really want to go to Lollapalooza and some of my friends are going, so I just might pony up the $90 for a one day pass. I would really like to go all three days, especially to see Gaga on Friday, but I just don't have the cash flow to make that happen. So I might settle for Sunday, even though that means missing a whole lot of bands that I would love to see. I figure I'm moving to the Live Music Capital of the World soon anyway, so maybe it's not a huge loss.

I guess we'll wrap it up tonight, as this post is really just menial things in my life, and I already dumped most of my emotional problems last night. I don't suppose anyone is really reading this, however, it feels ok just to know that someone might. Someday.

Restart, recharge.

I'm going to try to start up this blog again, mostly because I am feeling very frustrated with my life lately, and release is one of my new main goals. I keep trying to pick up sewing to do this instead of blogging, but there are obstacles involved in that. For example, Mom up and donated ALL of her used patterns to the church rummage sale, except for some very crazy pajamas. She insists I should start on those and work my way up, but I want to make things that I will ACTUALLY wear or use. I found some great Cynthia Rowley patterns and some simple skirts and t-shirt type things online, now it's just a matter of getting to JoAnn's and buying patterns and fabric and whatnot. And suddenly I am way off topic.

I'm suddenly in my third month of living at home, and I'm really beginning to get fidgety. I have applied for so many jobs, but I am beginning to feel like I'm not getting anywhere. It's like there is a secret code or something that you have to put in your resume before people will consider you. And that secret code is nepotism. Just kidding. Mostly. I've had a few people call me, but I didn't get the first one. And several others have been busts. Despite my love for the internet, I must say it is much harder to find the job you want than many people and monster.com commercials make it out to be. I have found out, however, that once my miracle happens and I do become gainfully employed, that just about everyone in Austin is looking for a roommate. I'm so desperate to be there. In the city, away from here, closer to Tom, independent, new friends, new experiences. I want all that and everything else I can't predict. I want to do things, not sit around and watch the entire Boy Meets World series. (The finale of which, by the way, is hilarious. Especially flashback to the 'undahpants' scene, below.)



I really can't wait around for much longer, and I'll have to take up my cousin Todd's idea and load up my car and just, go. Maybe I can get a job in retail, a shoe department with commission pay...or fast food; or not. Even all of the administrative assistant jobs available require 5+ years experience! Sheesh.

I want to do lab work. I want it to be important and interesting. I want to want to go to work, and after this time of unemployment, I'll want to go almost anywhere. I am a great learner; fast too. And I really like surprising people. All I need is one measly chance. One chance to get really going and work somewhere for more than a summer or a semester. Experience.

And I hate feeling jealous of my boyfriend. I'm jealous because he has great things to do all the time. Even if he doesn't think they're great, they are. And he has friends to hang out with and places to go and only sees his parents when he has laundry to do. I miss him so much. I want to experience his life and my life together. We've been apart for more than a year, seeing each other only a handful of times. It's really torturous, and I can see how people let their relationships go over distance. He was here at the end of May for the 500, but even then I felt like we almost had to get used to each other again before feeling the same. And by that time, there were only a few days left to enjoy. I don't have a doubt that we are the real thing, but I have doubts about the universe conspiring with us. I feel as though I am really pursuing everything in life that I should be, doesn't that constitute some sort of cosmic assistance?

I made a doctor appointment for August 4, and I'm going to make a hair appointment tomorrow. And after both of those are done, I'm setting myself a deadline. I'll just start packing a bunch of things. And make sure that God and the universe knows this is my decision. There will be no other way. I will not have it another way.