Moving!

Hi everyone, which I highly suspect is actually no one, I am moving my blog to a new URL. I figured it was over a year between posts, and so I transferred the last three posts to the new URL, which is beatsweetheart.blogspot.com and also X-posting to the tumblr of the same name (beatsweetheart.tumblr.com) The tumblr may include other media (music, pictures, etc.) more often as well.

So farewell, emptiness. Hello new life.

Reading

There is something to be said about the differences between reading a book in a very public place; such as a cafe, park, or library, and reading in private. In public, it is exhilarating to be immersed into two worlds at precisely one moment. For you are as much a part of the world around you; people might see you, mention you, or even admire you in passing. Your physical body is continuing to interact with its environment by breathing, scratching, and otherwise fidgeting. However, your mind is quite a different matter. At least, mine would be. I become completely immersed in the fictional settings that are typed before my eyes. In fact, my mother once gave me a gift of bookends which read, "Books fall open, you fall in," and these have become some of my favorite possessions over the years. To be so divided like that, body from mind, is somewhat transcendent of other spiritual encounters. During prayer or meditation, you are conscious of pursuing that detachment from reality, and must create mental barriers between the tangible and the intangible. I speak from personal experience, of course, and know very well that people do exist who find prayer and meditation to be the deepest way of connecting to the world. I prefer reading. I prefer to start something innocently, putting letter after letter and word after word together in my mind and have them take me along a journey far away from the place where I am. It happens both unconsciously and completely.

On the other hand, while reading in private will result in many of the same ends, it is a more conscious effort. Putting yourself alone is halfway to melting the world around you away, and the book must do hardly anything to complete the effort. It is less spiritual in that way, for knowing you are pursuing God and expecting him (I use the term loosely), and coincidentally finding God are two very different things indeed.

Pride & Prejudice

Today was crazy. First of all I am still ridiculously jetlagged from Hawaii and end up staying up until about 5 am each night we've been back. Secondly, Leighann and I went shopping for some of her books for an English class at Purdue, and it turns out all but one (The Story of My Life By Helen Keller) were out of stock in every Indiana Borders except the one in West Lafayette. Which makes sense of course, but also a bit ridiculous. So we ended up ordering the rest on half.com, and I picked up Eat Pray Love, Pride and Prejudice, and Brida by Paulo Coehlo from Borders. I also bought two VS bras, which I desperately needed, and a simple black knit dress from White House Black Market. It was on sale AND I used my mom's birthday $10 off coupon, so it's all good. It is a little bit short to wear in general casual situations, so I may lengthen it with some color or something if I can work successfully with knits ever.

On top of all my crazy design/sewing obsession this summer, the new season of Project Runway debuted tonight. I am SO frustrated by the girl they kicked off. I thought her dress was definitely amazingly adorable, and that Mr. I cinched a waist and put a kimono on her backwards certainly didn't deserve another chance.

Topic change: I really want to go to Lollapalooza and some of my friends are going, so I just might pony up the $90 for a one day pass. I would really like to go all three days, especially to see Gaga on Friday, but I just don't have the cash flow to make that happen. So I might settle for Sunday, even though that means missing a whole lot of bands that I would love to see. I figure I'm moving to the Live Music Capital of the World soon anyway, so maybe it's not a huge loss.

I guess we'll wrap it up tonight, as this post is really just menial things in my life, and I already dumped most of my emotional problems last night. I don't suppose anyone is really reading this, however, it feels ok just to know that someone might. Someday.

Restart, recharge.

I'm going to try to start up this blog again, mostly because I am feeling very frustrated with my life lately, and release is one of my new main goals. I keep trying to pick up sewing to do this instead of blogging, but there are obstacles involved in that. For example, Mom up and donated ALL of her used patterns to the church rummage sale, except for some very crazy pajamas. She insists I should start on those and work my way up, but I want to make things that I will ACTUALLY wear or use. I found some great Cynthia Rowley patterns and some simple skirts and t-shirt type things online, now it's just a matter of getting to JoAnn's and buying patterns and fabric and whatnot. And suddenly I am way off topic.

I'm suddenly in my third month of living at home, and I'm really beginning to get fidgety. I have applied for so many jobs, but I am beginning to feel like I'm not getting anywhere. It's like there is a secret code or something that you have to put in your resume before people will consider you. And that secret code is nepotism. Just kidding. Mostly. I've had a few people call me, but I didn't get the first one. And several others have been busts. Despite my love for the internet, I must say it is much harder to find the job you want than many people and monster.com commercials make it out to be. I have found out, however, that once my miracle happens and I do become gainfully employed, that just about everyone in Austin is looking for a roommate. I'm so desperate to be there. In the city, away from here, closer to Tom, independent, new friends, new experiences. I want all that and everything else I can't predict. I want to do things, not sit around and watch the entire Boy Meets World series. (The finale of which, by the way, is hilarious. Especially flashback to the 'undahpants' scene, below.)



I really can't wait around for much longer, and I'll have to take up my cousin Todd's idea and load up my car and just, go. Maybe I can get a job in retail, a shoe department with commission pay...or fast food; or not. Even all of the administrative assistant jobs available require 5+ years experience! Sheesh.

I want to do lab work. I want it to be important and interesting. I want to want to go to work, and after this time of unemployment, I'll want to go almost anywhere. I am a great learner; fast too. And I really like surprising people. All I need is one measly chance. One chance to get really going and work somewhere for more than a summer or a semester. Experience.

And I hate feeling jealous of my boyfriend. I'm jealous because he has great things to do all the time. Even if he doesn't think they're great, they are. And he has friends to hang out with and places to go and only sees his parents when he has laundry to do. I miss him so much. I want to experience his life and my life together. We've been apart for more than a year, seeing each other only a handful of times. It's really torturous, and I can see how people let their relationships go over distance. He was here at the end of May for the 500, but even then I felt like we almost had to get used to each other again before feeling the same. And by that time, there were only a few days left to enjoy. I don't have a doubt that we are the real thing, but I have doubts about the universe conspiring with us. I feel as though I am really pursuing everything in life that I should be, doesn't that constitute some sort of cosmic assistance?

I made a doctor appointment for August 4, and I'm going to make a hair appointment tomorrow. And after both of those are done, I'm setting myself a deadline. I'll just start packing a bunch of things. And make sure that God and the universe knows this is my decision. There will be no other way. I will not have it another way.

So this is boredom...hmm

Yeah. So Tom showed me this, and then had to go on to explain to me it's some kind of Chuck E Cheese thing, I guess I'd never been to one when I was old enough to remember. But I think it's hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur8AwQHusZw

I've had dreams lately about my dad. Specifically ones where he excludes me for being a girl. Thinking about these made me remember one time when I was 11 or so and there were some boys (a few years older, but not much) over to help with some straw baling or something. And I was climbing everywhere, probably showing off, and found a raccoon in this corn bin. He didn't run away, which was weird, so I told my dad. He figured he was probably stuck in the auger at the bottom, and to get it out they were going to have to start the auger up. He then ordered me to go to the house, while all those boys got to stay. I was so angry about that. I still am, strangely enough. And no, I didn't WANT to stay and watch them beat that raccoon to death with a shovel. But I was going to CHOOSE to leave. He only kicked me out because I am a girl. Not because I am his daughter, not because I was a kid, but because I was a girl. And he still does things like that to this day. I don't know why I'm sounding so angry. I don't think my dad is a sexist or anything. It's just another side effect of growing up in nowhere, Indiana.

I'm so afraid of death. Not mine, I'm already at peace with the fact that I will one day die. Perhaps today or tomorrow. But I weep for the pain that anyone around me will feel when I am gone. It gets me because it's just unimaginably tragic. I want my life to never change. I want my family and friends to always be there and let me take them for granted. I'm tired of being so empathetic. Watching movies where everyone dies, it's just building my fear. I won't know how to deal with death. Especially if there is no warning. I know I won't be able to function. I'll sit and cry violently for hours on end. They say that farmer's children deal with death and grief better because they've seen it before in animals and know it is just the way of life. But I think I feel it more. I feel it more because the cows and dogs and rabbits and pigs can't feel it. And I think they have souls and someone needs to care. There is no resolution to this post.

it's been a while.

But last night, I had a dream about the presidential election. True story.
It was like, the national conventions had just taken place, and Obama got the democratic nomination, but the head council of the republican party made an executive decision to not pick McCain. Instead they chose a black man (whose name was in my dream, but i forget.) and said he was going to be the candidate. It was so lame because everyone knew they were just trying to keep up with Obama and failng miserably. But this new guy/candidate was pretty cool, too. So it made the race a lot closer, but Obama was still going to win.

Weird, huh.